The other day, I spoke to a friend who shared that she was entangled in an intense fear of rejection yet was motivated to share with someone in order to be noticed. She went on to say that all she wanted was to love this person unconditionally. The issue is… this person gaslights and demeans her every time they talk.
Does this sound familiar to an experience you may have had/are having with someone in your life? I can promise you, I have been in my friend’s shoes, frequently. I have been in her shoes enough times that the discomfort led me to find my way out of ever walking that path again.
The blessing in these kinds of people is that they mirror our inner beliefs about ourselves. This makes it easier to see the areas we allow people to harm us.
Spiritualists EVERY WHERE
Here is where remapping our nervous system comes into play… calling someone’s bad behavior a blessing is a stretch. Giving credit to people who reinforce your trauma response is a thought which is not sourced on solid ground but most often from a spiritualist’s mistake in defining “unconditional love”.
How does this reframe feel in your body? …
YOU had the ability to acknowledge an ongoing fear of rejection which is being activated by the person you are allowing to reject you.
It might feel uncomfortable to the part of your nervous system that has a challenge owning your value. OR it might feel wonderful to know, it’s not them, it’s YOU that deserves the credit for recgonizing a pattern of abuse towards yourself and correcting it.
“God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.”
1 John 4:16
In many spiritual circles loving unconditionally is preached, but not taught. Seeking to love unconditionally, as it is preached, is not the inner work. It’s a tool used in an attempt to be seen well in the eyes of others. Believing that we are meant to love ALL people, unconditionally, regardless of their harm towards us, perpetuates a shame affect. This shame keeps us stuck in a spiral of self-loathing that actually blocks our ability to love unconditionally.
Frankly, very few people have the ability to love unconditionally, not even Jesus, when he was incarnate, unconditionally loved everyone. Jesus knew who he was; that was his love offering. Knowing oneself is the only way to build one’s own capacity to love unconditionally.
When I realized that my desire to unconditionally love was directly tied to my allowing people to treat me poorly–a co-dependent response to trauma–I needed a way to change my brain’s cycle of self-abuse. This is when “Goodbye MoFo: I love you” was born. Stating these words when I was tempted to reach out to the unhealthy individual allowed my conditioned programming, “to love unconditionally,” to slowly reframe to self-love while also allowing healthy anger to play its role in reprogramming my brain towards a more loving action for all parties, most importantly, myself.
Also, no need to use profanity if that is uncomfortable for you; use any word combination that helps you to break the cycle of mind that keeps you stuck in putting your love outside of yourself. MoFo can be replaced with any vernacular that works for you.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do, and greater works than these will they do because I am going to the Father [God is Love]. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father [God is Love] may be glorified in the Son [YOU!].”
John 14:12-19
Tools for your journey…
- Self-love is the only way to elicit healing in another. You cannot love someone else so much that they stop treating you poorly. What you CAN do is open yourself to a level of self-love so fully that this action examples what you wish to give others AND what you are willing to accept for yourself.
- A topic that has come up frequently is the deep sense of connections we feel with someone which we then label as “soulmate” or “twin-flame” energy. It is super important to understand that a deep mystical connection does not a soulmate make. AND regardless of how we identify a person, allowing bad behavior is not ok. Our minds may want us to believe that a magical love is causing all the upheaval when actually it is because youre attempting engage lovingly with a deeply wounded human.
- People who communicate healthfully are able to do so without gaslighting and shaming. If either of those is present in the relationship it’s usually a good time to take space. Abuse is NEVER a part of healthy loving relationships.
- Faith grows by practicing faith. My own faith stems from the blessing of my childhood abuse, but as an adult, it took me many years to recover the faith I had as a child.
- People who are not ready to open themselves up to their own love hurt others as a result. The best thing you can learn from these people is how to build your own inner love tank by removing yourself from their presence.
“As a soul transitions, the continuation of its journey on Earth is chosen with great delight. From your current vantage point, you may believe you would choose to abandon the struggles and worries you face today; but the incredible vision a soul attains while leaving its body is the most Holy and pure sight. There is an immediate and overwhelming sense of gratitude drawn from every single experience left behind, especially those in which it was elusive and unrealized. Deep appreciation for every human exchange rises in waves of bliss as a soul catches a glimpse of the unknown healer it was in each moment, despite great pain and discomfort. This blissful immersion into self-love is the first step towards a full reunion with God-consciousness. It is undertaken slowly and gradually so as not to miss out on every occasion to revel in a soul’s earthly experiences through Heavenly eyes. The intense joy of this process is what brings a soul back to Earth to incarnate again. It delights in the chance to hold this Heavenly perspective while embodied once more.”
~Mary Magdalene (channeled by Micheilla Sheldan)
Benefit of Trauma 